emotional wreck

bismillah. Assalamualaikum

ugh I'm such an emotional wreck now. Pagi nangis2 ptg emo. malam nangis lagi and im not sure why. aku geram dengan diri sndiri i guess. i thought i moved on tp turns out every time A--- text aku or even give the slightest amount of presence in my life, it turns into a wreck. I mean, just get out of my life please la. tp aku xd hati nk bagi tahu dia mcm tu. sebab aku baik. n aku slalu ingat pesan ayah. slalu maafkan org. pastu ak x smpi hati bg msg kt org lain yg aku ni ank azmi yg ckp bitchy. sebab aku kesian kat ayah aku, aku mintak maaf kat A---, aku baik2 dgn dia even though hati aku sakiit sangat everytime aku buat mcm tu. aku tak tau dia nk ape dr aku. dia nk kawan, tp dy nk masa. aku x paham! ya Allah beri lah aku petunjuk. sbb jujurnye aku xpernah jumpa manusia mcm ni.

aku xnk dia sbg pakwe ke suami ke. not now atleast. aku tau aku pn x ready n dia lagi x ready. dgn club sane cni. n jadi project manager la ape la. ape dia ingt org lain x jadi project manager jugak ke? org lain xd tanggungjawab?? ughhh this makes me so mad.. seriously. aku pn x tau ape perasaan aku kat dia ape. berkali2 aku mintak, doa kt tuhan kalau dia bukan jodoh aku, tolonggglah jauhkan dia, hati aku dan dia. and i was okay. for months. stable. productive and Happy. pastu dia muncul balik, n aku pulak datang bulan. n now aku dah nangis nangis dan nangis dan nangis smpi muka aku hodoh. n aku x tau kenapa aku nangis. aku nangis sebab aku rasa bodoh. berkali2 aku mintak maaf kat dia ape salah aku. dia mntk aku tunggu dia.

sincerely, ape istilah tunggu2 ni?? can we just live our lives normally. im not some drama melayu girl with "oh saya akn tunggu awak untuk menjadi imam saya blablabla" be real man. please. u have a problem, solve it. rasa x cukup iman, pg la blaja lagi. problem dgn group ke ape, pg la bincang dgn group tu. like, tell it to their face. kau ketua kan. kenapa susah sangat??

lainla aku, yg hormonal problem ni. memang aku tau tiap bulan akan jadi emo mcm ni. aku geraaaam kenapa kau buat aku mcm ni A---?? ape salah aku? please la. knp ko x boleh jadi simple??? kenapa ko kena muncul dlm hidup aku, buat aku suka kat ko and then aku buat silap yg satu tu, and then my life with you becomes shitty sangat?? y cant we just become good friends like we were dulu?? tolong lah...... i never, NEVER felt so comfortable with ANYONE in my life like when i talk to you. and then Tuhan tarik ko dr aku. mayb its good cuz Tuhan lagi penting dari ko n i gotta be closer to god than you. yeah. thats it.

isk isk. aku sedih. aku x tau kenapa. wait, aku tau kenapa. sebab aku mintak maaf kt dia lagi, n aku lower my ego n aku ckp kt dia aku nk repair my mistakes lagi. sbb aku kalah lagi n lagi n lagi. n all my friends tell me "for god sake LIYANA. ENOUGH." and im like "yeah, yeah aku ok! mane layan laki2 gila mcm ni" and here i am, crying.

ok. aku sedih. n aku hormonally unstable sangat. and akju belum mandi. n air tak ada. n did i mention aku datang bulan. (awfully gross) plus aku bersukan tadi. n i dont care about this post aku tau im being up personal but i just feel like writing sementara tunggu air.

aku redha dgn kesedihan ni. maybe now i dont know why i should be sad. why i have hormonal problems. maybe tuhan nk aku jadi kuat. maybe tuhan nk tnjuk how stupid or how far i can take stupidity until i actually say enough for myself.