pure rant

salam

ni pemikiran aku. just one of my random thoughts about my life here. ada la nanti baur2 ketidakpuas-hatian tapi that's just a side dish.

i started my life here in USMKK as a person who.. had a slight different intro to the school. i didnt go through orientation like the others, i had an aunt and uncle who were big guns of USM. and that time, i didnt want people to know me because of them or vice versa. i didnt know the significance of their positions in USM. bagi aku, maklong paklong is just maklong and paklong. but anyways, i didnt have any friends.

and then i entered class. honestly, they're not like my schoolmates yang gila and I mean GILA. they're.. nice. and petite. and cute. and smart. and they have their own groups of best friends already. im lucky to be placed and have a roomate who is also my classmate so, eventually, i became close friends with them. but honestly, back then, i missed my friends. especially highschool friends. UIA ade la. but they moved on. and i knew i had to too.

as 1st year progressed, i broke up with my old boyfriend, i got new friends, new GREAT friends, doctors and such. mostly seniors. mostly different courses. and i settled down so good, i made a decision to gave up studying abroad to study here. sbb utama bukan sbb kawan la.. sbb lecturer. and so happens that lecturer is Prof. Zalina. one of them. Prof Farid, Dr Yvonne. USM has Great teaching man-power. and I swear. i stayed mostly because of them. and basketball. and friends. and because i wont be spending half a million by studying abroad.

as i entered 2nd year, i had a boyfriend. the best one so far. and my grades were perfect. the best i had. i went to china, i went to pahang, KL, penang, and represented the uni in many events. i had fun, i was busy, i was BROKE. but nonetheless, i had fun. i have classmates that grew closer. but everyone was so busy with everything, we just didnt have time to really get to know each other much. but i had favorites. iqa, hajar, farah.

3rd year, i stopped entering stuff. 3rd year was a culture shock. 3rd year was crisis. 3rd year my results waned. 3rd year was tough. the second sem, i had a hard time during a tourney. dilemma tak menang tangan. dengan gelora perasaan. *pantun 2 kerat* 3rd year became horrible. i broke up with my boyfie. i had a hard time moving on. i was so focused on ball, i forgot to study. my friends got dean lists. i got a heartache and an average pointer. and i was so lost with my older friends that was gonna graduate, that this year, their loss had a great impact on me.

4th year. had just started for.. 1 month. n 1 week i guess. i lost by boyfie. i lost my close friends *they graduated and went to work in some distant far away land-KL* my knees got injured from training too hard last sem. literally. i cant run and i walk slow. its been almost 3 months. im separated from my classmates. hajar n farah. im doing fyp alone. and although ak rasa ak put in effort nk rapat dgn budak kelas, it doesnt seem to payoff. its like, they dont see me as a close friend. as someone intimidating. mungkin perasaan aku. but it is what i feel nonetheless and it is real.

it seems like somewhat a bell-shaped curve. these 4 yrs (until now) i hope it wont be one. betul la org kata setiap yang datang akan pergi. dan Allah boleh tarik nikmatNya bila2 masa Dia nak. I'm pretty much alone most of the time now. and i do feel lonely. i reallly do. i have this urge to graduate as soon as possible dan tinggalkan bumi kelantan ni. along with all the memories i made here. and never come back. im sorry. but this place, has tormented me with all the memories, good and bad. im not an alone kind of person. but since i have to be, ive adapted a bit. skg dh pndi tdo sorg skit2. keje kena manage sndri. berita kalau ak x amek tahu, mmg ak xkn tahu. i just have to accept that, no one is gonna have my back anymore.

its the last road before graduation. another 8 months before i end this.

deep down, i have a hope, a dream to make this year, the best i ever had. but untill now, i dont know how. or what to make it with. tp ak bersyukur sbb tuhan still bg ak peneman bila ak betul2 perlukan. orang kata bila kita nangis sebab sedih, bersyukur lah sebab Allah rindukan tangisan kita, rindukan aduan kt kpd Nya.

Life is life. and the art of moving on---haha. ni ayat mainan myzah dgn mira la ni. the art of moving on is by finding a better replacement, that is the remembrance of Allah. i try my best la--ayat samah. mana mampu. mana terbaik utk aku.semoga Allah permudahkan