penipuan seorang kekasih

bismillah. salam.

It was 6.30 pm. I was on Hajar's bed frolicking around. Tengok Jambu perform final lagi. Gelak lagi.

"TEH O AIS LIMAU, IKAT TEPI STRAW BESAR!" Yus.

Balik bilik. Bukak Fb. 'Kekasih' sent me a message.

 'can i see you after maghrib? we can go get dinner together... only if you want to though... if not, ill just see you at 10...

if you agree, ill see you at the front of your hostel... like dulu...

or can you just contact me through phone... thanks'

Aku bingung. Pergi bilik Hajar. soksek soksek, bincang habis and the verdict was, I agreed to go out to see him. Lagipun aku kena print Mini Thesis aku. Aku jumpa 'kekasih' sebab nak print Mini Thesis. Mulianya niat.

8.10 pm. It was a cool night, I wore loose, worn out jeans I wore the whole day while being an official in Besut, pink t-shirt, smelly grey cardigan and an equally smelly tudung. Just to prove I didn't care less about this date. It's been awhile since I went out with a guy. It's been a year to be exact.
I was on time, he picked me up and went for dinner at KB Mall.

To cut things short, I didn't talk much, we argued on the issue that I wanted to pay for my drink but he being persistent and stubborn, I gave up in the end. We had some surface meaningless conversations about Paris, Rurouni Kenshin, UIA. I told him I didn't want to ask what's going on in his life because I don't want to keep remembering his schedule.

He drove me back to USM. We sat on the bench outside DM1, beside the bicycle shed. Tempat aku bermain ceper, meluahkan kisah hidup dan bergelak-ketawa dengan Samah, Hajar dan Farah. We started our last conversation.

"I still love you."
"You know you're pretty right"
"You cry pretty"
"Do you remember when we said to each other to pray to God that if we are nod good for each other we would ask Him to separate us? Don't you think that's what He's doing now?"
"I will wait for you. You're everything I want. I'm working hard to become a better person for you."
"My life is now miserable in UIA. I wake up, go to class, blablabla.. it's meaningless."
"How long will you be doing you're masters? At the end, I'll be waiting for you. If you're there.. well.. we'll get married. If you're there"

"***** aku nak kencing jap bleh x kau tggu aku?" It was 11.30 pm and we were both getting sleepy. But I went to the toilet anyway. And terdetik dalam hati aku. 'O Allah, maybe I could give away my friends, my basketball for him. Maybe. O Allah, please bimbing aku ke jalan yang terbaik untuk aku. Ameen'

I went down, took his phone, swiped the screen. (He was in front of me the whole time) Lo and behold, I saw his conversation with Tinkerbelle (his so-called ex).

"Hey gorgeous... Hey handsome.. Goodnight gorgeous.. Goodnight handsome.. I'll see you on the 29th baby.. " Baby sane baby sini. Muntah ijau dan keping2 hati yang bernanah.

Muka ***** berubah. "What did you see?"
"What's this?"
"I told you we were in a relationship didn't I?"
"No you didn't"
"Aku dah agak ko macam ni sebab tu aku x bgtau ko"

I asked him, gave him time to explain. He said, I left him. He needed someone, Bell was there. He said I have to understand. He said there's nothing left to explain. He's in a relationship. And that's all there is to it. I walked away, in tears.

Hajar and Farah were the first ones to hear this story. I spent my time talking to them 'till 2pm. They did a good job making me feel lighter, better. As I worked my way to bed, I found another text by ***** on Fb.

There's nothing i can say to make it better... im sorry it ended this way... i have gotten myself in more trouble it seems and i cant find my way out... it wasnt suppose to get this far with belle... i lost control... confusion on my part to make people become happy has made the person that i really want to make happy into a person that has been betrayed by me.... i can only imagine your hate towards me... i can only hope and pray that you find it in your heart to understand my predicament... I never meant to hurt you... I dont know how we got to this point... everything was great... until my stupidity got in our way... i know you can never forgive me... Only time and Allah can help me now... Im sorry Liyana Azmi for the trouble i have caused you... I didnt want it to be this way...
But i want you to know that i didnt cheat on you... that was not my intention... things just got out of hand... i didnt tell you because i thought i could handle it... but it seems it has caused more trouble than good... 

I replied. The best way I can to tell him how stupid, how he was a disgrace to his parents, sisters, to his own words. I told him that I hoped he would find pain. So painful, so excruciating that he would have nothing left to turn to but to Allah. And I texted his now, girlfriend, that now I am out of the way, they can be together.
She replied..

Honestly our relationship has its ups & downs but we both agreed to work on it whether its hard, we plan to be better in the name of Allah (S.W.T), don't worry  Thanks for the advice, I always will take care of him. Another thing about his phone, he hates it when people especially us checks his phone & gets mad & confused why is the text like that, I've been thru that with him. We got back together since March & I thot he would have already told you about it. You're a nice & humble person, I'm sure that one day, jodoh you pun akan tibe & you will be happy. May Allah bless you in the present & the future. Salam

To sum it off, all his sweet words since last March, (10 months ago) was a lie. He lied to me, lied to Belle. Because he told me he had no feelings for Belle. And i'm sure, he would've done the same thing, vice versa to Belle. His parents were nice people. Gave me personal advice, brought me to the hospital when my knee was injured and it was sad to think that they had a son this messed up. 
I have yet to find the heart to forgive him. I have been praying that someday I would. But what amazes me the most was Allah's power, His will, His grace. Had I not make that prayer (even in the toilet) maybe I wouldn't found out about his lies. Dan aku pernah dengar:
'Doa itu senjata terkuat orang Islam' 
'Dan berdoalah bila hati merasa untuk berdoa. Kerana waktu itu, pintu rezeki Allah terbuka'
The power of a prayer. The will of Allah. MashaAllah. I felt sad that night, cried, but in the end, I couldn't have asked for a better ending. I felt relieved. And I know for sure that I CAN find a person way better than *****. I know I'm doing injustice by putting all his messages here. Dan mungkin bagi sesetengah orang yang kenal dia, seolah-olah aku membuka aib dia. 
But this, (as I'm writing now) was his past. Maybe he's a better person now. Maybe people would judge him. Maybe they won't. Maybe this will serve as a reminder to others that men, can be sweet as honey but deceiving as a snake. Maybe this will remind me the greatness of Allah. His love that has guided me and gave me strength to make me who I am today.
I wanted to tell this story to my close friends. But I'm leaving for Paris and I might not be enthusiastic  as I am today. To those who made/read this story till the end, this was my best breakup and aku bersyukur syukur syukur berkali-kali bersyukur untuk segala yang Allah berikan kat aku untuk tempuhi breakup ni.