my apologies

salam. bismillah.

A private note to my dear friends,

I'm tired. Of always being happy and being the strong, positive, loud person. And sometimes I am vulnerable too. I try not to show it. I try my best not to complain about my life although sometimes I do know when I do, I tell it in a funny way so that I can joke about it and make everyone else laugh and make myself and everyone happy indirectly.

For the past two days I woke up feeling shitty and look shitty too. And I did loads of stuff, (despite being overly attached to Pokemon FieryRed ) I was the best productive person I can be these past 2 days.

I don't know if I should or shouldn't put WHY I am feeling shitty here. Because this time, what happened to me these 2 days betul-betul menyakitkan hati gua yang sebenarnya sensitif dan lembut. I am born that way. Sensitif dan lembut. My NAME says it. LIYANA = LEMBUT

But I try not to show it to everyone, I try to reserve this quality (lembut/gentle/blablabla) only to those who are dear to me. To you.

Aaaanyways. Life has been kinda crappy lately. To start with, aku bner2 terluka Prof aku hilangkan thesis aku. Sebab bagi aku, my writing is my pride, my effort, my thoughts, put into one. Dan dia senang2 disregard usaha aku macam tu. I don't really care if I get a B+ or B- tapi aku tau effort aku dalam tu. Dan setinggi-tingi position guru, dia senang2 buang thesis aku macam tu as if benda tu resit Mydin je.

Secondly, personally, aku memang x suka Prof ni. He has his own personal grudges which he brings onto his students, he makes stupid jokes yang bagi aku x kelakar langsung, and he doesn't respect everyone equally. Kalau student tu pandai, dia respect la. Kalau yang bangsa muka kaya, manja macam muka aku ni dia anggap aku spoil brat macam tu jela. So, generally, kalau aku kena jumpa Prof ni, aku memang bad mood.

Thirdly, my supervisor is somewhat the same. She ALWAYS forgets I have to finish my FYP by May, ALWAYS forgets I have to present somewhere (symposium/progress report) and she thinks my face always looks as if I'm about to cry. AND I HATE being compared to my Maklong. I AM NOT HER. SO STOP COMPARING. And I also hate the fact that everytime I see her with my senior, she disses out my senior, compares me to her and vice versa, and makes us feel like sampah. But I DO know that tough love brings out a tough person and also pushes a person to be at their best so, yang tu aku boleh tahan lagi. Just.. whatever.

Fourthly, I am not as strong as you and I think. Internally, I am messed up and subconsciously I think of my Stupid Ex.  And I dream of him with his gf, and I swear aku tahu itu semua syaitan tapi I swear to you, I AM DOING MY BEST TO FORGET EVERY CRAPPY BIT OF HIM. Aku istighfar, aku doa and Tuhan je tau aku doa banyak mana. And macam Fieq cakap, Tuhan yang permudahkan semuanya KALAU Dia izinkan. I swear I feel ok, and happy but at the slightest dream or presence of him aku jadi serabut. And aku boleh cakap kat dia please just get out of my life tapi it would be so much better if I could do it myself by forgetting  him dengan sendirinya. I DON'T need another guy to forget him, I just need Allah. And I swear I tell this to myself EVERY freaking day and I SWEAR, its SO much easier said than done.

Fifth, I know I want to leave. I want to travel. I want to be that girl wearing winter clothes, over sized sweaters and taking pictures in the snow and telling the world I made it. Made my dream come true sebab dari kecik, I dreamt of travelling the world ON MY OWN, WITHOUT using my parent's money. I KNOW I'm going to be alone most of the time, I know I will be leaving so many things behind and I don't know if I'm going to be missed dearly as much as I want you to miss me and I know I'm bound to look at pictures of the things I'm bound to miss, like graduation or basketball or whatever. And it hurts when someone says "Yela, dia nak pergi tinggalkan kita" because Hell, I don't want to leave you guys, and I would very much like it if you would say something like, "Yana I'm so happy for you, Like, I know how much you want this, how many nights you cried for this, how much you endured being compared to your siblings and cousins because you studied in Kelantan and they studied at some rich state overseas". Leaving hurts. But when you think about it, I'm actually the one being left out. I don't know. I don't want to think about it because it's complicated. I want to go but I don't want to leave. But there's nothing left for me here (academically) and kalau aku sambung masters sini, I swear my family is going to take me for granted.

Finally, I feel like everyone hates me. Aku bukan princess, I don't want people to buy me cakes or ice cream or give me some special treatment. But generally, again, life has been crappy lately. Maybe Tuhan sayang aku, Dia nak bagi aku peluang nak tunjukkan betapa tuffnye aku. I'd like to think, every crappy season will have to end  sometime. Like, you can't have a crappy season last for ever. I do believe, at the end of the week, or tomorrow, Allah will make me okay. Will give me the strength to be cheerful, loud and happy again. But it is not this day. And for that, I am sorry. Really, I am. I'm not a unicorn. I am Liyana Azmi, impulsive, forgets easily, cries at the most unexpected times, keeps her deepest sorrows, makes people uncomfortable with her silence, not THAT strong and fragile.

But I will be okay I promise. Sorry ye.. just give me time.