disorder

assalamualaikum

this by far might be the most disturbing post i have ever written. May Allah guide me InsyAllah.

3 years ago i was diagnosed with Salmonella. but the symptoms were of a gastric attack. i went to many doctors but of course, stool examination was last. one of the doctors, i met an uztaz. he told me my stress level was so high. 9 out of 10 to be exact.

Liyana Azmi existed as a happy child, independent, and passionate even as a kid. she had a happy childhood. but as she grew her life was contaminated with grown up things just like many others. broken relationships, friend fights, family conflicts physical trauma and such. but the thing is, i grow to suppress my feelings. back then.

now, i tend to let it out. especially since i found Leman. but now, he;s gone. and i kinda lost a part of me as well. im single now and unavailable. broken and complicated. a character i dread most but now, i have it. i dont tell people this is how i am but now. as of now. there's no point in denying it. stress comes when i deny my problems, my feelings, my heart. i have successfully denied most of my dreams, feelings and actions for the past few months for the greater good. *i hope* but lately i just cannot stand it anymore. friends have been telling me i look tired and pale. i talk in my sleep. i Drool when i sleep. i dream bad dreams. and despite it all, i try to remind myself this phrase.

'Cukuplah Allah sebagai Penolong'

its not that im not relying on anyone else. the thing is, whenever i try telling ppl, this is what they tell me. look for peace in the remembrance of Allah. and i keep hoping and hoping and praying and wishing that one day, somehow, all this foggy atmosphere of conflicts, my problems will somehow solve. that He will save my day and that one day i can find myself happy and cheerful again. i have been crying 3 consecutive days already. and although its weird i never told anyone outside but i wrote them here, its only because i can no longer hold it down anymore.

i never, NEVER want to list down my problems. because listing it down seems like making them real. until i express them, i dont see it as a problem. but here i am.. writing it down. hoping in the end, i would realize in some areas of the globe, bigger problem exists.

i lost my camera. i have to find it. or rebuy it. because my mother, dear mother gave it to me as a birthday gift. im broke.i eat nasi kampung everyday. i cut down my expenses. to the extent i dont have money to buy toner n i delay in paying my phone bill. a friend owes me 500. she lives the high city life. i dont blame her. mungkin rezeki dia. my basketball sucks. i have speed but no strength, little brain and im small. i dont focus and i am like chicken on court. i go early to train. but the result is, my partner is still the best and the favorite. i have a test tomorrow. i have burned out last semester. i dont know where my study spirit is. but i have done bit by bit since early semester. i dont know how will it turn out tomorrow.i fell down n got a huge cut in the knee. again. and i have antibiotics that make me feel nauseous. dizzy and losing my cool. the damn meds are 2 packages. i HAVE to finish them. i miss home. i miss my family but i have things to settle here. study and sports. my friends all have someone now. and im single and you cant help but feeling left out. and i miss him but im not supposed to. and i keep denying that. and its stressing me out.

here i am as weak as i can be. here i am relying to Allah. as without him id be nothing. because everything in life is a blessing, a gift from Him, He can take it whenever He pleases. and as for me, i can only be REDHA. as redha as can be. and trust Him because He knows best. He knows best. He knows..