praise to Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. May what i write be within His blessings.

Basketball P untuk SUKAD tak ada lagi tahun ni. atleast thats what i got for now. there's a lot of mixed feelings i have but one of the strongest ones are HURT.

there are so many times i have debated with myself whether i have to write on how i feel, especially when im feeling sad. is there a need for the world to know how i feel? but then, a thought came to mind. rather than suppressing it inside, i might as well write it down. who knows.. ada orang yang baca.. orang yang lebih berilmu dapat memujuk hati aku yang remuk ni.

there are so many reasons why HURT is the dominant feeling now. firstly, this happens AGAIN. it happened last year and came down heavily on me. this is something i look forward to every year. and now, its gone again. and ill probably have to face the fact that i may never be able to compete in a full 5-on-5 match again. the joy of a full-fledged team. the joy of winning. even the feeling of losing becomes valuable now.

aku terlampau suka main basketball, i put aside my ego,laziness and pride for it. ego untuk mintak maaf dengan orang. ego untuk join main dgn orang luar. laziness of waking up in the morning. laziness of doing 1-on-1 dgn fieq. laziness of learning something new. and finally, pride of so many things. tahan hati kene pressure dgn team. sabar dgn critic orang. the drive to become better because i want to win at SUKAD. the hurt of being looked down by others. the feeling of looking stupid when u first try a new move.this, is the second reason why it hurts so much.

thirdly, we're just being oppressed. terang lagi bersuluh. im sorry but i just feel this way. maybe the university just dont have enough players. or they just think basketball for female isnt even worth watching. or maybe, we're just not good enough. heck, court Kompleks sukan 2 takes a YEAR and plus to SCREW in the damn rim. why? no funding, no one to do it, basketball tak popular. thats what ive been told by the person in charge at the sports complex. things just cant get any worse.

then there's a feeling of resentment. i didnt put much effort in finding new teammates pun this year. maybe i was half expecting things would go like this. it did happen this way. i kinda saved myself from the hurt of preparing a new team.

i have a feeling i would be giving this up very soon. maybe next year. basketball sangat dekat dgn aku. its part of me. so many life-lessons, friends i gained from this. this unpopular sport. there are only 3 serious female players in USMKK. the rest i dont know. they never came that much to play. now 3 players might seem insignificant to the other 1000+ students. lets say 24 students actually wants to participate and are fully passionate. maybe the university would actually heed us? i dont know. nothing works anymore.

hurt.