alone

Bismillah. Salam.

Ada pepatah dalam buku 'Cinta kerana Allah' seseorang itu lebih bagus sebab bila kita seorang, kita lebih cnederung untuk ingat Allah. Aku x ingat tang mana aku baca tapi there's this one part, ada seorang ahli sufi ni menyatakan bahawa dia lebih rela tidak popular, x ada kawan ramai kalau itu mendekatkan diri dia dengan Allah.

God knows I have not reached that level yet.

Nowadays, I spend most of my time alone. With the mp3. With Sara Bareilles. Hopefully, di hati, more with Allah. I don;t know my proportions kat mana. Ada ingat kat basketball, FYP, holidays, men, kawan.. blablabla.

But for now, when I have problems, because I don;t spend my time much with my friends anymore, I don;t know how or if I should tell them. Maybe I'm afraid of disapproval. Maybe I'm afraid of being rejected. Like  for example, I tell them about my dilemma and all they do is just stare at the laptop. Or they disagree. But it's normal to disagree with something. And then there's this part where aku just nak teman. you know? Someone to just be funny and sole intention when she/he goes out with me is to make me happy.

Like okay. You picked me up, I know you're having a bad day. I might not agree with some of the things you say and Yana, you swear a little too much but I'm gonna be here for you and make you happy anyways. Oh and I'm NOT gonna say this to you but I hope that with my presence, you know that I am here for you.

I'll literally die for this person. This person is actually God. Why? because God knows what's in our hearts, understands us doesn't even agree or disagree with us because He set the rules and we just obey or disobey it. But Dear, Great Lord, O Allah. Do know that I long for a company that understands me better than my Ma or Besa. That can be there for me in times of hardship and in triumph.

Dear Lord, I wish for a man. Haha. as much as stupid as it sounds, it's a wish, a deep deep wish. And Allah knows if it's best for me or not. But I'll trust Him you know. He knows best. He knows that it is best I spend my time alone. He knows it is best I eat my dinner alone, do my work alone, cry alone, and whatsoever alone.