The final letters of Lotus Firewind back in North England

salam to you.

I sit on this rocky chair in this dim-lit room of my brother's in the attic at 7.45 am in the morning my sister sat praying for her Subuh prayers and my brother was fiddling in front of me trying to keep his room tidy. it is almost effortless. the room was a mess. we packed 8 huge bags last night and it was still a mess. alas, a single mother travelling with her 6 children across england isnt easy. and for almost 2 weeks away from everything i know of, home, if that applies to house and college, the Azmi remains are going back HOME today.

Now, in stories, final letters would mean the ultimatum truth. where one reveals everything. mine, is just about some 22 yr old perspective. so scoot if ya dont wanna hear about it. So.. yeeah.. *shrug* Im going back. back to All those things i know previously. Back to Trouble, Back to Reality as we know it. I left so much trouble when i left there for here. and now i kiinda have to go back and face it. you know that feeling when you have to go back to school and you feel nervous the popular kids are gonna make fun of you? or you forget your toothbrush at home *i went to boarding school so no toothbrush sucks big time* anyway. im sure the average student would feel just about the same. anyway. I feel that way.

So. coming back home. means hello college and all the people in it, hello basketball and all the people in it, hello phonecalls that i want, hello phonecalls im avoiding, hello projects that are pending, hello RESULTS *yikes!* Hello people im thinking of but cannot reach to, hello Rainbow-vomit-people, Hello trash-talking people, Hello intimidating people, Hello Egoistic people, Hello People i have to take care of but in a one way kind, Hello Hello Hello. suddenly im writing all my dreaded stuffs I dread.

But. there's a plus point here. one i have been looking forward sooo so much to. touchdown would mean. Hello..to Feefa in Malaysia! *how often do you get that?* Hello to Fieq in KL!*How often do you get that?* Hello to training together with Fieq in UIA! *HOW OFTEN DO YOU GET THAT?* Hello to Aifaa! Hello to Elly! *my always there peeps i CANNOT miss seeing* Hello Karok 6 hours with 15 budds! *if i do get the chance* Hello Karok with my Sis! Hello geng2 UIA!! Hello KL Dragons matches! Hello 5hb Aiman match! Hello Ayuz's Wedding!!! Hello Abe Jak! *who's never failed being there for me* Now. you know when things are so perfect, you almost feel sad and scared because you know you might never feel that way or have those things the 2nd time, or ever again? I feel that way now.

Leaving England. would mean going back to everything I know. Good and Bad. It means i havta stick up for my shit and be there for the people i care about. means, wake up.
all along.. there are so many things i have been looking forward to. and now, when i reach there, there's nothing to look forward to except to just Have it. or Enjoy it. or face it.

im more scared to go back home then happy. that's what's happening now and i cannot rewind time. i wish i could have undo all those stupid stupid mistakes i left. behaved more properly. appreciate people more. done more. and have more patience back then.

its this feeling of going back to highschool. going back to UIA. going back to primary school. the nervousness. the jitters. the unknown. the fog u just wanna shoo but wont go away.

Mom said. Just remember. Life is just a test. its all a freaking test *she didnt say freaking* and you'll do just fine. so here i go. Life is just a freaking test. and whatever mistakes ive done, there's room for correction. and i just hope, time has helped me do just that.

with that, im coming to the end. im heading down for breakfast. and everything i know, shall start.