Over-Time

bismillah.salam

[PURE PERSONAL RANT]

I used to be the girl who had many relationships, couldn't stay single for more than 3-6 months since 14 and was used to having people, men in particular texting me back and forth. It was a nice feeling, being admired, being sought after and knowing that you are always on someone's mind besides your family. It was nice being wanted and loved and feeling beautiful. But all those relationships broke and here I am, single. And yes its the longest period since I was 14. I'm bordering on a year now.

Being single and for a long time was hard for me at first. Especially since the last relationship I had was the best. But I learnt a great deal of shit from it. (shit = stool/feces so I'm not swearing. Deal with it)
Getting over a relationship and being happy with myself was almost the hardest thing to do but with great help from my Mother, friends, and most importantly Allah, I became a better person.

Breaking up, being broken, sent me to the lowest point of my entire life. I had knee injury, my results were bad, I was far from home and I had the worst breakup. But being there I realized I had no where to turn to but to Allah. It's a shame because, logically, kita kena cari Allah dulu before anything else. I learnt that over my last breakup.

I also learnt to let go of my hand phone  To realize that life's purpose is not to find a soul-mate. To not rely on text messages all the time. To be independent. To turn to Allah first before anything. And that means from sickness to deciding what to wear on a regular dinner night, thinking of Allah first. Dulu when I had period pains I would complain to my boyfriend. Dulu when I had problems studying I would complain to my boyfriend. Dulu when I scored big time in basketball I would tell my boyfriend. Yela. He's practically the person who is genuinely interested in me 24/7. And he listens. But He, is a human. And humans don't last forever. I learnt that during my last breakup.

I wanted to be a better daughter. A better friend. Captain. Sister. Student. Pianist. Reader. A better slave to Allah. Wanting these things required me to spend more of my time to things besides love-affairs. I studied more, called my parents a WHOLE lot more. I wassap my high-school friends everyday and it was PURE JOY. I developed a FULL-FEMALE-BASKETBALL team. With complete training schedules. I got A's for both tests in my subject. I learnt to play 'Warmness of the soul' on piano. I read more story books. I listened more. I prayed whole lot lot lot more. And I felt happy with my life. Alhamdulillah. I learnt that from my last breakup.

But at the end of my prayer, I still miss him. 'Him' refers to a man who I will be able to be happy with. A man who is the best of all my past relationships. Who will make me a better person. I still believe he is somewhere out there. And kita sebagai hamba Allah, kena sentiasa bersangka baik dengan Allah. I know many people who lost hope. Who thinks life isn't worth spending with some cranky-asshole-basketballer-player-guy. I also know people who had relationships, long-term, seldom knowing or feeling  heartaches, who sees their future like a happy ending with that special person. But in the end, (not being skeptical) Allah yang menentukan segalanya.

For now, I'm happy being close to Allah. Before ni, I thought of my boyfie more than Allah everyday. Malu tak ngaku mcm ni? Tahu malu. But Allah is All-Loving. Subhanallah. The way He changed my life. My principles. My feelings and my thoughts. Subhanallah. It's magnifico. I learnt that now. When I wrote this.